We’ve put together a number of heart-warming jokes and sayings to cheer you up and to spice up your day. We hope to update these regularly. And if you have something short and brief to contribute to this page please feel free to send them in.
1. Expectations
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for £1 each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time; as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her £1, but never would take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old lady’s pretzel stand and left his £1 as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him: “Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you the pretzel price has increased to £1.25.”
2. Questions and Answers
Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
A: We Jammin’ (with jam in)
Q: How does Moses make his tea?
A: HEBREWS it (he brews it)
3. The Peace and Love of God
Following a Sunday service, whilst saying goodbye to his congregation, a vicar was confronted by a usually grumpy parishioner. The parishioner said to the vicar “Vicar, your sermon today reminded me so much of the peace of God and of the love of God.” The vicar, taken aback by this unprecedented praise asked “tell me, what was it about the sermon that particularly reminded you of the peace and the love of God?” The parishioner replied “Well it transcended all understanding and it endured forever!”
4. Giving up
Two men — Joe and Tom — were sharing a hospital room.
Joe turned to see that Tom was covered with bandages from head to toe.
Joe asked, “What do you do for a living?”
Tom said, “Well, I used to be a window washer.”
Joe asked, “When did you give it up?”
Tom replied, “Halfway down.”
5. Handyman
A man applied for a job as a handyman. The prospective employer asked, ”
Can you do carpentry?” The man answered in the negative.
“How about bricklaying?” Again the man answered, “No.”
The employer asked, “Well, what about electrical work?” The man said, “No, I don’t know anything about that either.
“Finally the employer said, “Well, then tell me what is handy about you.”
The man replied, “I live just around the corner.”
6. Parenting
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advice them to do it.” (Harry S. Truman)
7. Possibilities
Business leader Mary Kay Ash once said, “If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can’t, you’re right.”
8. Men’s logic
The following is perfectly logical to all males.
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one bottle of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”
A short time later the husband returns home with 6 bottles of milk.
The wife asked him, “Why did you buy 6 bottles of milk?”
He replied, “They had eggs.”
(I’m sure you’re going back to read it again, carefully!)
9. Light of the World
A boy forgot his lines in the Sunday School drama presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row tried to prompt him, gesturing and forming thewords silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”
The child beamed with acknowledgment and in a loud, clear voice so that everyone
in the congregation could hear said, “My mum is the light of the world.”
10. Light & Sound
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
11. The meaning of Tax
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Second from left is Senior Pastor, Sesan Emmanuel-Aina presenting a cheque of £1000 to Doreen Lisney of Samaritan’s Purse along with some of the ministers. 